Wednesday, April 27, 2005
| Therapy of my Love Today was the third session I’ve had with my therapist. All day long I’d been dreading the appointment, but as soon as it was over, I honestly felt so much better about myself. Sophie (the therapist) has this way of encouraging me to open up about my inner most thoughts without making me feel uncomfortable. I actually said to her today “The thing I like most about our sessions is that I never feel as though you’re judging me on the things I’ve told you”. It may sound weird for a therapist to be judgmental, but the two I’ve had in the past have been exactly that, whether it was spoken or not. Over the last month, I’ve been wrestling with a very huge decision I’ve needed to make. Unfortunately, it’s incredibly personal, so I can’t get into it as much as I would like to in here. However, I can say that the decision has been something that’s been on my mind for years and only as of late have I had the courage and motivation to go for what I want. An opportunity has opened up for me and although it comes with a slew of risks, I think that if I can be brave enough to confront it, I will be incredibly happy with the outcome. This issue is so personal to me that I’ve only told my absolute closest friends about it. I haven’t even told Paul because I just don’t think he will understand. My friends have been incredibly supportive of the situation I’m in and have offered up some very helpful advice. Kelly, in particular. I’ve needed one person to express all of my doubts and fears to and she has been the clear and obvious choice. Without her in my corner, I don’t know that I would have the balls to do what I want to do. I know this is all very vague and I hate that I can’t divulge more information. But too many people that I know read this journal and it would embarrass me beyond belief to get into it any further. All I can say is that tomorrow will be one of the most exciting and terrifying days I’ve had in awhile. And it’s about fucking time. This “get up, go to work, go home, eat dinner, go to bed routine” is beating me down worse than the depression. One of the biggest and most surprising areas I’m exploring in therapy is my sexual identity. I didn’t think I had as many problems and “hang-ups” with sex as I really do. I’ve always said “This is just who I am and how I handle myself in sexual situations”, but I’ve never really tried to explore it and understand why I conduct myself the way that I do. Sophie is really helping me to identify the problems I encounter when I’m intimate and she’s encouraging me to figure out the causes on my own. In fact, she has such wisdom and insight that I’m always left shocked that she discovered something about me that I never knew existed. It’s quite a remarkable feeling when it happens. It’s almost as though there’s this box inside of my head and Sophie has the keys to unlocking it. Shouldn’t I have had the keys all along? I feel really good right now. I am proud of the work I did in therapy today and I’m proud of the decisions that I’ve made as a result of my sessions. While it’s not easy to get my ass to her office every week, the benefits that I reap are certainly worth the trip. For the first time in a long time, I’m discovering and figuring out who I am and why I need the things that I need. And most importantly, I’m accepting the choices I make as the right ones, regardless of what anyone else thinks. It is I who has to live my life. Why does it seem as though I had forgotten that? |
